So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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