As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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