I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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