ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
