I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
