She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My ass is underappreciated
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
