you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
