morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
