Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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