So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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