My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize