I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
