this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
