Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
