please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
