I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
