she looked like the bat from fern gully.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
