don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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