Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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