Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
