those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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