I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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