I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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