I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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