Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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