i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
