That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize