Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
