I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm getting married
To pizza
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
