So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
