The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
