the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
