You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
