As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
