My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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