please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
