how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
