Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
