I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
