dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
