I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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