and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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