new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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