We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
