Jerry, you need to find god
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize