i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
