His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
