....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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