oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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