He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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