Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
